?

Log in

Redwytch's Ravings [entries|friends|calendar]
bonesigaur

[ website | Silver Wolf's Lair ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Sep 2006|12:26pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Ok, Im on hols this week, and have finally started to revisit some of the pages upon my website (Silver Wolf's Lair), the following is an update I have just completed for the What is a Witch page, from a different perspective than the Wiccan viewpoint that I orginally wrote about 5 years ago now. Please let me know what you think!

WHAT IS A WITCH?

A Personal View from One who trained as a British Traditional Witch

*A Witch is born, and not made; or if one is to be made, then tears must be spilt before the moon can be drawn. For the Lady chooses whom she wills to be Her Lover, and those She loves the most, She rends apart before making them Wise.*
 (attributed to Robert Cochrane/Roy Bowers).

  Ask any individual Witch or practitioner for their own definition of what exactly is a Witch, and you will get as many different answers as there were individual Witches that you asked! Some will tell you it is a religion, others that it is an Arte or Craft, others that it is merely a label, others that it is in fact all three of those definitions and much more besides, in reality it is up to the individual to find and to justify their own definition of what the word Witch means, and what the state of being 'Witch' entails whether that is merely to themselves or to society in general.

Calling oneself a Witch does not make a Witch, but neither does heredity, or the collection of titles, degrees and initiations. A Witch seeks to control the forces within themselves (and without) that make life possible in order to live wisely and well, in full knowledge of what they seek to achieve and acknowledging any price that may be asked of them to do so, yet living in a manner that is in harmony with nature and their own inner self.

Many of those who follow the reconstructionalist religion of Wicca (Wicca is not ancient, but in fact a religion born of the views and beliefs of Gerald Gardener and his followers, started in the late 1940's / early1950's using many disparate sources of information that seeks to reconstruct Witchcraft into something that has value in a more modern world) truly believe themselves to be Witches, and if measured by their own definitions and beliefs, then they can validly claim the title of Witch for themselves. Yet, there are others who have a much different interpretation of what exactly defines 'Witchdom', others who posses other information, (perhaps have sources that can be traced back Pre-Gardinerian - yet are kept safe and closed within the individual 'Witches' family / cuveen / coven / group as such information is considered 'Oathbound' and could in the wrong hands be misconstrued and misrepresented, and thus used to cause harm to the individual or group), follow other beliefs and have other practices, have a different 'worldview' and an altogether different set of ethics and personal morality who would consider some (or all) of those who follow Wicca or are more 'New Age' in their worldview certainly not able to validly claim the individual title of 'Witch'. Whether anyone can validly claim the title of Witch truly depends upon the individuals own definition of the word!

So, knowing that the definition of 'Witch' varies from individual to individual, what is generally considered to be a generic description of exactly what is a Witch, a quick google of the word 'Witch' gives us :-

Definitions of witch (n) on the Web:

enchantress: a female sorcerer or magician
a being (usually female) imagined to have special powers derived from the devil
Wiccan: a believer in Wicca
hag: an ugly evil-looking old woman
hex: cast a spell over someone or something; put a hex on someone or something
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
The term witchcraft (and witch) is a controversial one with a complicated history. Used in entirely different contexts, and within entirely different cultural references, it can take on distinct and often contradictory meanings. Each culture has its own particular body of concepts dealing with magic, religion, benevolent and harmful spirits, and ritual; and these ideas do not find obvious equivalents in other cultures.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witch
One who worships the Goddess, and sometimes also Her Consort, the God; practices magic; and considers her/himself to be following the spiritual path of Witchcraft.
www.geocities.com/sorchagriannon/terminology.htm
A member of the Wicca religion. A practitioner of witchcraft. There are many types and traditions of witches. A witch is not necessarily a Wiccan, though if a Wiccan practices witchcraft they can be called a witch.
www.reiki.nu/treatment/healing/dictionary5/dictionary5.html
someone who practices witchcraft to help better the world and mankind. A witch is NOT someone who is ugly, worships the devil, or hurts people.
members.aol.com/fadeddragn/dictionary.html
A general word for Pagans worldwide although traditionally those of Anglo-Celtic, Celtic or Teutonic traditions.
www.moonbeamgarden.com/witchscottage/wiccan_pagan_glossary.htm
A women with supernatural powers.
www.wrexhamparaskeptics.4t.com/definitions.htm
The word 'witch' is a loaded word. In today's society it means different things to different people. For our uses, a witch is someone who is a follower of the nature based religion of 'Wicca'. Please read our section on "What is Witchcraft?" on our home page to understand the beliefs of such a person. The word 'witch' comes from the Middle English word 'wicche' which was basically a wise woman that practiced the Old Religion. ...
members.tripod.com/~jack_in_the_green/terms/terms.html
Initiated male or female member of the Old Religion; a practitioner of Witchcraft.
mysticcauldron.com/dictionary2.html
A name given to someone who works with magic(k)al powers and natural substances and uses them to help and heal. Magic(k) can be used for both good and evil, but is generally used solely for the good.
www.witchdom.com/LearnCraft/Glossaries/gloss%20w.htm

Perhaps useful information to the general public, but to those of us who seek a deeper definition, those of us whose very soul craves knowledge of Witchdom, the kiss of the Dark Mother (and her Consort) it soon becomes clear that information is not only sparse, but also guarded, the Gates to Witchdom are not so easily breached!

Looking outside of dictionary definitions for information, trawling through many of the websites written by those who claim the title of 'Witch' (do a search for Witch, it will give you a choice of over 64,100,000 pages to view, or perhaps try Witchcraft, which will give you a result of over 11,300,000) may well lead the individual seeker to begin to question whether there is in reality any such thing as 'Witchdom', whether any 'real' evidence exists to prove that Witches ever really existed at all (except perhaps within the minds of those of the christian church who used a belief in Witches and the transfiguration of the Older Gods into today's christian 'Devil' to gain converts and control - both political and economic- over the folk of the times and to subjugate women into an inferior role), or whether it is all an attempt by modern people to justify their return to the beliefs of our long past Ancestors who certainly practiced Pagan religions of some sort before being 'converted' to christianity. Indeed, many of the 'Traditional Witchcraft' sites that abound (a quick search returns in excess of 1,670,000 pages!) are actually Traditional Wicca sites, as are many of the Hereditary Witchcraft sites (in fact, with Wicca now being over 50 years old it is possible to find hereditary Wiccan covens and families, and also Traditional being used as a label for Wicca, as anything of 50 years age can quite possibly be termed Traditional if it has indeed been passed down through the tradition itself!).

As to whether there is in fact any 'real' evidence for historic 'Witches' many academics have in fact taken the lack of information that is available / verifiable to be proof that there can be no surviving Witch Traditions that have come down to us from pre-modern days, whereas in fact the lack of something cannot be said to prove a conclusive negative! Indeed, the very lack of generally available information and verification I would take to be a good sign, as if you belonged to a group that was largely misunderstood, persecuted and viewed with suspicion by any not of your group then it would only be logical to keep your heads down, your information safe and secure within the group! There are those that point to the many people persecuted / tortured / put to death as Witches during the period that has now become known as the 'Burning Times', and in the eyes of those who persecuted / tortured / put to death these individuals, they were indeed Witches (in their own individual beliefs if not in fact), yet there is not one shred of verifiable evidence that says any of them were actually Witch. Let's face it, if you were accused during those times, tortured and knew what Fate awaited you, then you would confess to anything after enough pressure had been brought to bear upon you! Even this though cannot be used as conclusive proof one way or the other. There are those who point to folklore and the folk history that says Witches existed, and if one looks at the common perception of most of the general public then it is easy to self justify that Witches existed because they are believed to have existed by many people, whereas a belief in something also does not conclusively prove it to have ever existed in reality! There are also those who point back to folklore and some of the work done by many anthropologists and folklorists that point to the verifiable existence of the village wise person / cunning man or woman / herbalist, I do not dispute that these folk existed, nor that some of them were probably indeed Witches, but to stretch this information out and claim that it is conclusive proof indeed that Witches existed and still do so puts the individual onto unsafe ground, leaving them open to possible attack and ridicule from those who have a more academic bent to their nature. So, does this lack of verifiable information conclusively prove that Witches did not and do not exist? I have to admit that based upon the evidence that is available to most that this is indeed a possibility, yet is it indeed probable? To my mind the answer has to be no, it is not at all probable, Witches have too strong a position within folklore, history and the common perception of the general populace to not have some historical basis in fact, afterall, there's no smoke without fire! For the figure of the Witch to have gained such a position there must be something more, something behind the myth and legends that gave rise to them. As to whether most of those who are looking for definitive proof of historic Witches would in fact recognise that proof if it were to jump up and slap them in their face is another thing entirely! In fact, widen your search further, start looking elsewhere with eyes that are more aware and some scant evidence does begin to filter through, though whether it is verifiable or even pertinent can only be discerned by those who are able to look for it with what they believe is a truly awakened awareness.

Another thread to weave in for consideration for those that seek evidence of whether Witches exist(ed) is that of human nature itself. We are remarkable beings, all of us is self aware (to one extent or another), and all of us have our own individual worldview, our own take on reality, indeed reality itself is something that can be proven to be subjective, to really exist only to the individual, as ones individual experiences and beliefs create the framework of our own personal reality. So, with this in mind we have to acknowledge that for some Witches exist(ed), whether or not the evidence they cite as their proof can be verified by others or not. Indeed, throughout history there have always been those who posses a different worldview, mystics and those who seek to learn more of the human state of existence, some of whom have been accepted as enlightened by many and considered heretics or mad by others. Look at the astronomer and mathematician Galileo, considered a heretic and persecuted by the catholic church for suggesting that the Earth orbited the Sun rather than the Earth being the centre of the universe? His theories have now been proven and are generally accepted to be truth by most of those alive today, but during his life things were very different indeed! Is it not then reasonable to assume them that perhaps some of those who posses a different worldview, who march to a different beat may in fact have also been correct in their individual worldview? That those who hear the calling of the older Gods do indeed hear them? That there are those whose awareness allows them to perceive things around them that others do not? That there are in fact those who can truly claim that they have achieved the state of Witchdom and are indeed worthy of the title of Witch? It seems perfectly reasonable to me that this is indeed the case, and as such it is also reasonable for me to believe that there are indeed Witches out there who have access to information and lineages that go back far before the resurgence of interest in Paganism that followed Gerald Gardeners creation of Wicca! Some of us can cite many experiences that we have had that have brought us to this conclusion, experiences that have had major impacts upon our own worldview yet are not things that we may willingly share or that others would accept as any sort of proof at all (as they are at best unverifiable and definitely subjective in their interpretation).

So, for the seeker of information are there any resources that they may find upon their journey? In general you will not find much online, many Old Craft Groups / Family Traditions /Cuveens believe that their information is too sensitive and too valuable to be bandied around for anyone to find (some of the information I have learnt myself is Oathbound), though there are a few sites that do make the distinction between Traditional Witchcraft and the more modern neopagan Wicca, but you have to search hard to find them, and even then much of the information the owners have is kept secure within the family or cuveen (it is widely thought and believed by many within the Pagan community that if you were of a Family Trad or other Old Traditional Craft Group that you would wish to safeguard your information and thus keep your members safe and also to protect others not of your Trad / group from receiving information that could possibly be misconstrued or have psychological effects that they are not yet ready for!) This in my own view is as it should be! The true state of Witchdom is one that many (if not most) are not yet ready to experience, it is something that cannot be entirely book learnt, cannot be taught by rote, but must be approached and discovered through hard work and persistence by the individual! It is a journey that will include paradigm shifts in the beliefs and awareness of the individual and be something that no two people will experience in exactly the same manner! I say and mean EXPERIENCE, as knowledge book learnt is not of true value to the individual until it has been experienced and put into practice first hand by the individual! You may know the theory behind how a particular author(ess) describes a working to be completed, and have some preconceived ideas of the results, yet until you actually undertake the workings, and allow ones' self to be open to what is unseen around us, to test yourself against the dark and learn what lurks deep within your frail and all too human heart, then you will not yet unlock the true understanding that sits deep within your bones, a knowledge that is felt rather than known! There is a chasm of difference between the almost ceremonial classic Wiccan Rites (including those featured here upon this site) and the sheer power and raw connection with nature and the Dark Mother and her Consort that comes from performing your Rites simply, deep in the wilds at the dead of night!

I'm afraid I find that I have to agree with some of those who have laboured long and hard upon their Paths, gaining knowledge, wisdom and experience, who are able to feel that perhaps some of those claiming the title of Witch are not yet truly aware of what the state of Witchdom entails! By that statement I do not mean to demean others views or viewpoints, nor to trivialise those who practice what they believe to be Witchcraft (or their practices, for as long as they find something of value in their own individual practices, then that truly is what matters to the individual themselves), but rather to ignite the spark of interest in those who truly seek entry into Witchdom! I have to say that when I first began my journey into Paganism, admittedly through the study and practice of Wicca, I thought the terms Witch and Wicca to be synonymous, but as I have grown in knowledge (and I hope somewhat in wisdom) my understanding has changed, and I have seen things from many many perspectives along the way! I wish those who come here to seek Witchdom the same enlightening journey that I myself have experienced upon my own Path to where I now find myself, as the old curse / blessing says, 'May you live in interesting times'!

So, what do I take the word 'Witch' to mean for myself, just what is my current understanding of what it means to be 'Witch'?

For myself the state of being Witch is one that allows me to walk my Path with one foot in the mundane world, and another in the unseen world around us (akin to standing upon the backs of two racing horses, with one foot upon the back of each), it is a state that allows me to use all of my senses, perceiving things that others who are mundane focussed will not perceive! It is a liberating state of being, one where I do not cleave to the morality of society, but listen instead to my own heart, allow myself to follow my own (and the Gods) counsel, making my own decisions as to what is right or ethical, not pandering to another's rules but living by my own ethics and taking charge of my decisions and the responsibility that comes from them! In my view our actions are akin to dropping a stone into a still pool, they cause ripples, some of which may come back and swamp you! Being Witch means I acknowledge the immediate presence of my Gods (whether you believe them to be individual beings, a manifestation of a single divine consciousness, your own higher self interacting with you in a way that you can understand or merely psychological aspects of your own psyche that have become known to you because you need to work on those aspects matters not to me, I have my own viewpoint that works for me personally) and interact with them intimately in many ways and at many times! Being Witch means I have been through a growth cycle that has allowed me to understand that in the vast scheme of things I know very little, that I have transcended the needs of the ego to seek self gratification and external justification and that I am free now to just 'be'. Being Witch means I have faith in my own powers and abilities and do not need to seek to beseech another to act upon my behalf, yes there are times when I need to ask for help, but in the main I am able to deal with most things (magical or mundane) without recourse to asking my Gods for help! Being Witch means I acknowledge the Red Thread that binds me to my kith, kin, forebears and ancestors, and also acknowledge the Silver Thread that binds me to those who claim me as Their own! Being Witch means I have a certain amount of knowledge that has true meaning for myself, having walked a difficult Path to ensure that this knowledge is indeed of value through individual experience, yet it also means I acknowledge just how little I do know and how much more there is that I am able to learn, and that as long as I am able that I will always strive to learn, grow and mature further upon my own Path. Being Witch means I acknowledge a balance for myself, that I am not all 'white' or 'good' nor am I all 'black' or negative focussed, but in fact I am somewhere in the middle, perhaps grey in nature, and that I am not afraid of using powers or focus from either side of my nature and may do so as long as I realise that there may be a price asked for anything I do and that I am willing to pay the price! Being Witch means I am aware of the polarities inherent in everything around me, that I can see the masculine in the feminine and vice versa, and also that I can see the life in death and the death that exists in life and the needs for both! Being Witch means I acknowledge the presence of information that I can gleam as true, yet has no visible source that can be verified by others who do not perceive as I do! Being Witch means I have to be personally honest with myself, acknowledging that there are aspects of my inner self that still require further work and growth, and also that there are some 'talents' that I will never posses, no matter how much I desire to have them or how much effort I put into trying to learn or achieve them! Being Witch is all this and much more besides, it is an inner feeling that the world is indeed a more magical, mysterious and incomprehensible place than most know or are prepared to accept, yet this information holds no fear for those who are Witch in their deepest self, those who know the power and beauty of the Older Gods and know the kiss of the Dark Mother!

 © Suzanne Read 15th September 2006

Further Traditional Witchcraft informational Sites and pages with views and comparisons between Trad Craft and Wicca


Scaresprite



The Lonely Crannog



Meadows of Elfhame




Traditional Witchcraft




Traditional Cornish Witchcraft




The Crooked Hearth




Definitions of Witches
by Isaac Bonewitz




Ravening




Arddhu



Secularity.com



Hecate's Cauldron
(looks a bit
'pink', but excellent sentiments!)



Brighid's Hearth

2 comments|post comment

Pan? [01 Aug 2006|05:30pm]
An Ode to Pan!

They call you the Devil, Satan!
They say you are evil, Mean and nasty!
But I know it is them that call you that are the evil, nasty ones!
It is them that harm children, them that abuse!

They have 10 commandments, how many of them stick to it, or even one?
How can you command someone to do or not to do something without them rebelling?
Surely our way is best, Do as ye will but know what you do!
You are the God of the woods, of the hunt, you bring happiness, fun, love and make life sweet!

Original Words by Lee Read - Lughnasadh 2006

An Ode to Pan!

Great God Pan, half beast half man!
They call you the Devil, they call you Satan!
They say you are evil, Mean and nasty!
But I know they are overly harsh and far too hasty!
‘Tis them that be evil, perverting the truth to their own use
‘Tis them that harm, them that abuse!

10 commandments they profess to have,
Yet how many of them follow all, or even Half?
How can you command someone against their will?
Without bringing pain and making them ill?
When Religion is harnessed for a mans own ends,
Corruption, hate and Evil arise, no more friends!

Surely our way is by far the best,
Lets all put it now to the test!
Do as ye will, but know what you do!
Rely upon that which works for you!
You are the Horny God of the woods,
‘Tis You who brings fun, love and makes life good!!

Goat footed Pan, Letch, bawdy and lewd,
Within whose presence things generally get rude!
A God not for those faint of heart,
But perhaps for those who are a little bit smart!
Light-hearted lessons you give us in fun,
‘Neath the light of the Moon or the glare of the Sun!

Original Words adapted to rhyme by Suzanne Read - Lughnasadh 2006
post comment

Lughnasadh [01 Aug 2006|04:23pm]
A Harvests Call

I Dreamt I was strolling in the evening, underneath the Harvest Moon,
I was thinking about You, and how to find You,
I didn’t know what else to do,
So I strung my bow and aimed it at the Moon,
I called Your name.

Then I saw the Shadows of Old in the Moonlight,
And there you were, standing tall!
The stars were shinning in Your eyes,
My Goddess, is it really You after all this time?
How many decades is it Breagha?
‘Too many my Child’, You replied,
‘Come, we have work to do!

Original words written by Lee Read
Lughnasadh 2006

A Harvests Call

I Dreamt I was strolling ‘neath the Harvest Moon,
Her evening light dispelling the early Gloom,
I felt a calling within my heart,
From one once close, but now far apart,
So I strung my bow and aimed it true,
And as of old I called to You.

Thence I saw Shadows in the Moonlight,
Those once strong, returned again with all their Might!
Beside them You stood, tall and true,
A presence here once more, a vow to renew,
The stars were shinning in Your eyes,
Reward enough for those willing to try!

‘My Goddess, is it really You after all this time?’
‘Returned to glory, once more to Shine!’
‘How many decades has it been?’
‘Since last your presence was so clearly seen?’
‘Too many my Child’, answered You,
‘Come, we have work to do!

Reworked into Rhyme by Suzanne Read
Lughnasadh 2006
post comment

Filched from Heathwitch and Andrubear [07 Jul 2006|01:56pm]
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (As always I miss certain of my friends, and wish I could see them more than time currently allows! You will know who you are!) I don't watch much TV these days.  (Apart from Top Gear!) I own lots of books.  (Erm, perhaps a few......)
× I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (Nope, but hubby does, and they make him look really intelligent!) I love to play video games.  (Time permitting!! Hubby does tho., lol!!) I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.  (Apart from work............)
it goes on...Collapse )
post comment

Ditto [04 Jul 2006|01:09pm]
center>
QuizGalaxy!
'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com
</center>
post comment

Nicked from Andrubear & Heathwitch [04 Jul 2006|01:08pm]
Cool, Dark & Chaotic
You scored 34% Hue, 19% Shade, and 35% Structure!
You prefer images with predominantly cool hues like blue and violet. You prefer images to be predominantly dark. You prefer unpredictable images. Rate this test down below. Do it. Do it now.




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 6% on Hue

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 6% on Shade

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 14% on Structure
Link: The Nonrepresentational Aesthetics Test written by jesterketch on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
post comment

A bit of writing! [20 Jun 2006|07:16pm]
Litha

The Sun shines strong upon the ground,
Nature’s abundance grows all around,
Gently nourished by summer rain,
Apples, Oats, Wheat and Grain,
Promises of bounty, time reveals,
And On and On turns the Wheel!

The Horned One walks the bright Greenwood,
Rare glimpses seen make all feel good!
His Power once again at its Height,
Together with the shortness of night,
Summertime joy is all we feel!
And On and On turns the Wheel!

Hot and humid it begins to oppress,
All life moves less and less,
Thunders’ rumble taints the air,
The weather turns a lot less fair!
Lightning flash and Thunders Peel,
And On and On turns the Wheel!

Summer storms pass swiftly by,
And once again time doth fly,
Soon will come Harvest Time,
Wheat become bread, Grape become Wine!
A bounty taken to provide a meal,
And On and On turns the Wheel!

Still to come a last farewell,
Death embraced as He fell,
Blood freely given falls to the floor,
Sacrifice ensures life once more!
This Land again now will Heal,
And On and On turns the Wheel!

Suzanne Read
Litha 2006
1 comment|post comment

Nicked from Great Dane Forum! [14 Jun 2006|10:56am]
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would
ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the
passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were
always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can
and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then
went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned
to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as
long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach
us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat
rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from
other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the
owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on
mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the
corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parents bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it
all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real
kids, before lawyers and governments regulated our lives, for our
own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like
to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might
put a smile on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,
and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They
have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Neneh Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one
Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since
they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they
can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are
films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or
the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without
a mobile phone.



Now let's check if we're getting old...


1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a
night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing
comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your
head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the
good Old days, repeating again all the funny things you have
experienced together.
post comment

Pet Insurance [07 Jun 2006|09:20pm]
Just had to post a copy of my eply to PetPlan, they are asking for more details about Willow, seems the Pet Plan Insurance Policy we got with her may not cover her vets bills and we may well be faced with a large £800 bill, just hope the letter below is good enough to give them all the info they need and get them to pay up, I havent got any spare cash, let alone £800 to pay out for a pet thats now departed!

Dear ****** **********,

Thank you for your letter of 26th May 2006 and the request for more details about our dog Willow, please forgive our tardiness in reply, but loosing Willow has been something that has ripped us both apart and neither of us really feel much like doing anything at all, let alone writing or talking about Willow, but I will endeavour to supply you with all the details we have, as I do understand you need to process the claim as soon as possible.

After loosing our dog of 13 years (Lady) the week before, we adopted Willow from the Cheshire Dog’s Home at Lymm on Friday 5th May 2006, finding her a loveable, playful, well behaved and enthusiastic little soul who loved life and was very well behaved. We were told on the Friday (5th May 2006) by the Kennel Assistant that she was 5 years old, had been with them since February 2006 (we have since found out that she was found abandoned in November in Longsight in Manchester and subsequently taken to the Manchester Dogs Home for 3 months before being transferred to the Cheshire Dogs Home) was in good health (if a little thin – she needed a family home to give her some confidence and allow her to put on some weight) and we were both that taken with her that we only gave her a cursory examination, assuming that any dog that was up for adoption would be in fairly good health, that the Kennel Assistants would have noticed if there was any problems with her health and that she would have been checked out by a vet as a regular occurrence whilst she was at the Dogs Home.

After loosing our heart to her straight away (she was just so beautiful, loveable and friendly) it was with surprise we noticed (on the Saturday evening (6th May 2006) whilst fussing Willow) that she had a lump under one of her nipples and that the nipple was weeping. Lee immediately took her back to the Dog’s Home on the Sunday for an opinion, speaking to the Manager, who told him he thought it was probably a stitch from where she’d been spayed, but to take her to the vets to get it looked at as we had 6 weeks free Pet Plan insurance, and so were covered to get her treated if treatment was needed (his attitude made Lee think it was nothing to worry about, so we decided to see what our vets had to say about her).

Lee rang the our local vets on the Monday and made an appointment for the Tuesday (9th May 2006), and after examination was told that the lumps could be benign, but that there was a chance it could be cancer, the only way to know was for her to be admitted, have the lumps removed and sent away for testing. As we had the 6 weeks free Pet Plan insurance (which we were going to continue with anyway, as we have been told it is probably the best around) we made an appointment for Willow to go in and have her surgery, hoping that the outcome would be a good one and that we’d have her in our lives for many years to come (having just lost Lady we did not want to loose another dog anytime soon!). As we’d already fallen deeply in love with Willow any thought of taking her back to the Dogs Home wasn’t something we wanted to do, we’d bonded with her and she with us, taking her back to swap for another ‘model’ would be akin to taking in your child to swap for another just because they were poorly, Willow was a part of our family, for better or worse!

Willow had her surgery the following week, the vet’s thought they had got all of the lumps and that she stood a good chance of a full recovery. Willow recovered from her operation very well and even started to put on some weight (2 kilos!), and seemed to be doing well. At the follow up appointment at the vets they hadn’t had the test results back, so a further appointment was made for the following week (and to remove her stitches). At this appointment we were told that the test results had come back, and showed that unfortunately Willow had an aggressive form of Cancer, that it had already spread to her Liver and Lymphatic system, and that we were going to loose her within the next 6 months, but possibly as soon as 2 months. This news destroyed us both, we loved our baby, Willow, and coming so closely after loosing Lady it was just too much! Fortunately we knew we had the Pet Plan insurance to help us with the vet’s bills and were going to sign up to continue the Pet Plan insurance after the free 6 weeks had ended. We vowed to give her the best life she could have with us and make her as happy as we could in the time left to us, looking forwards to taking her on holiday camping in Wales with us and my daughter at the end of June.

On coming home from work on Thursday (25th May 2006) I noticed Willow’s tummy was a little swollen, but knowing the Cancer was still within her didn’t think too much about it, but the following night when I got in it was to find her lethargic and uninterested, not normal for such a happy dog that loved walks and playing. She didn’t even want to come upstairs to bed (she normally loved to run upstairs, jump on the bed and sleep there with us), and I knew in my heart that she wasn’t going to be with us even as long as 2 months. When Lee came in from work he found me hugging Willow and crying my heart out. We made her comfortable and got to bed at about 4am.

Willow got Lee up for a walk at 7 am and whilst he was taking her on the local field she began to bleed from her abdomen, at one end of the scar (which we’d thought had healed extremely well). We rushed her to the vets and they got her straight in as soon as they opened, the vet drained her abdomen as much as she could, but it just wouldn’t stop bleeding, it appears that the cancer had attacked the internal scars and she was haemorrhaging internally, something that there really was nothing the vets could do anything about. The decision was left up to us, but Willow was in pain, and it wasn’t fair to leave her in pain, so after taking her out for a last walk we took her back in to be put to sleep. She knew and was afraid, so the vets had to sedate her first, before performing the lethal injection whilst she lay cradled in my arms as she went to sleep for the last time. Willow is now laid to rest next to Lady in our back garden, but it will be some time before I can venture out there without tears streaming down my face. Even writing this has had my crying several times now.

Although we only had Willow for a few weeks I’d like to believe that she enjoyed her time with us, that perhaps we restored a little of her faith in humanity after being abandoned and left out in the cold, and she touched our hearts in a way that’s difficult to put into words, it’s taking me some time to write this as I keep on breaking into tears at the terrible sadness that her loss has left us both with. She did teach us that we could love again after loosing Lady, and gave us a lot of joy in the short time we knew her.

Having looked at our Policy Documents (after receiving your letter) I now understand that any claim within the first 14 days of ownership may not be covered by the policy, but I can categorically say that if we had been told this by the Dogs Home then we would have waited until she was no longer covered by the 14 day exclusion in the policy before taking her to the vets. If we had known that she was ill before we adopted her (and gave her our hearts) then we would not have adopted her at all, as we would not have wished to fall in love and loose again so quickly, not with the loss of Lady so fresh in our memory. I also believe that if the Dog’s Home had known that she was ill that she would not have been put up for adoption, and we would not have had to go through the emotional turmoil of loosing a second dog within 3 weeks of the first. We had no idea she was ill, nor that she was to leave us so soon, I wish with all my heart that she was still with us, that she hadn’t been ill and that the Dogs Home had noticed the lump and got her treated in time (even if it were to mean that she wouldn’t have been there when we went looking for a new pet), if caught in time it is possible she would have made a full recovery and still be around with her zest for life, loving nature and playfulness to brighten all our days for many years to come.

I’m afraid that we have no medical history or any information to give you about any vets she was registered with before we adopted her, but I’m sure that if you contacted Cheshire Dog’s Home (whom I believe are one of your agents as they give out the 6 weeks free Pet Plan Insurance Policy with every dog that is adopted) or the Manchester Dog’s Home they will be able to give you details of any vets that examined Willow during her stay with them and any treatments that were carried out I’ve put the contact details of both of the Dog’s Homes at the bottom of the letter (along with a photo of Willow after her operation). I can tell you that her vaccinations were carried out on 10th January 2006 and 7th February 2006, both of which are stamped with Cheshire Dog’s Home on her medical card. If you would like a copy of this, then please don’t hesitate to contact us and we will send you a photocopy.

I know the exclusions in the Policy are there to protect your business, and to prevent unscrupulous owners from only taking out Pet Plan Insurance when they know they are facing large vet’s bills, but I assure you that in this instance (at least) this is not the case! We were going to carry on with the Pet Plan Insurance Policy no matter what, even if Willow had been of perfect health, for although we both work we do not have spare cash lying around to pay vet bills, and now having the prospect of not having Willow’s treatment covered by the Pet Plan Insurance and having to find that money from somewhere (as we haven’t got it and don’t have much money left over each month) for a dog that is now sadly departed is one that seems unfair and harsh, plus will put us in severe financial difficulties.

I know you are only doing your job, but I urge you to do your utmost to make sure that Willow’s vet’s fees are honoured by her Pet Plan Insurance Policy, as we genuinely believed this to be the case before we agreed to take her to the vet’s for treatment or agreed to any treatment that she was to undergo.

Anyhow, I’m sorry to have gone on for so long, I hope the information within this letter is of use in processing the claim, if you need any further information please feel free to ask.

Yours Sincerely






Suzanne and Lee Read

Attached : Contact details Cheshire Dogs Home
: Contact details Manchester Dogs Home
post comment

A new arrival version 2.0, hopefully this one will be with us for a long time to come! [29 May 2006|07:58pm]
[ mood | Happy and sad ]

Here we go again!!



Her full name is Bella Donna (beautiful Lady in Italian), and she's allegedly a 2 year old Great Dane Cross (crossed with what we don't know, but if anyone would like to take a guess, we'd be appreciative of any thoughts!)



She's supposed to be 2 years old, though her beahviour, the size of her tail and paws and a couple of other things are making us think that perhaps she is a bit younger and still has some growing to do!



Anyhows, any thoughts would be appreciated!!



We picked her up from Manchester Dogs home on Saturday, after loosing our previous baby of only 3 weeks, ok, better explain, but for those of you who havent yet heard me tell the story elsewhere on MINI2, I'd grab a hanky now!

Before I met my hubby he rescued a dog that had been abandoned locked into the house next to his for 3 days. He rang the Police and RSPCA, only to be told there was nothing they could do for another 48 hours, even tho the owners had done a moonlight flit. He broke in, rescued her at age 18 months and had a few subsequent problems with her (she ate a sofa, leather jacket and 2 pairs of Dr Martens boots) before he had her settled. On feeding her she burped in his face and then farted, he replied, ' Your no Lady are you?' and she gained her name of Lady! About a year later she was involved in a car accident, and he spent hundreds of pounds getting her treated, and the two of them shared an amazing bind, they had been through a lot together.

For a while now she has been slowing down and getting older, and about 4 weeks ago she wouldnt come up to bed, we had to carry her up and bring her down again the next morning, so we knew what was coming. On getting home from work that evening it was to find she'd gone to sleep forever. We burried her in the back garden, both heartbroken at loosing her.

The house felt empty without her, and we were both very upset, but about a week later we decided that it was time to offer another dog the chance of a better life than it would get at the Dogs Home, so went to Cheshire Dogs Home near Warrington and found a wonderful, gentle, playful and very loving dog to come home with us, her name was Willow.

Willow bonded closely to us both very quickly, and us to her too! She was playful, loved walking and absolutely loved going out in any car, but most especially the MINI! On the second day of having her we noticed a lump under one of her nipples, and that the nipple was leaking, so took her to the vets, who diagnosed her with Cancer. As we had 6 weeks free Pet Insurance from the Dogs home we decided to get her treated, as there was no way she was going back, and the following week she had 2 of her mamary glands removed and part of her lymph glands too. On doing tests it was found that she had liver damage too, which the vets were fairly certain meant the cancer had already spread, but they sent off the samples for testing anyhows.

I took her back last Wednesday to get the results, at which time she was fine, she'd recovered from the op, seemed much better and had even put on 2 kilos in weight. The results were not good, an agressive form of cancer, the outcome between 2 and 6 months tops.

Thursday evening I noticed that the lump was back, and she wasnt her normal self, and by Friday night it had become obvious she wasnt going to be with us for very much longer, she wasnt playing, wasnt jumping onto the sofa and didnt want to come upstairs to bed, very much out of character for one who loved sleeping on the bed so much.

Saturday morning she got Lee up for a walk at 7am, and whilst on the local field she began bleeding from the scar of her operation. We rushed her into the vets, where they tried to drain the internal haemoraging, but she was in pain and it wouldnt stop bleeding, so we took her for a last walk and made the hard decision that it wasnt fair to prolong her sufferring. We took her back into the vets where she went to sleep in my arms. Poor baby, we loved her sooo much, it just wasnt fair!! At least we can take comfort from the fact that she had a good time with us, that she was loved and knew it, and that perhaps we restored her faith in humanity as she taught us it was ok to love again after loosing Lady!

The Dogs Home were very sorry, and I was livid that they could have missed the lump, if they had spotted it earlier then she could have had treatment and may well still have been with us now!! But thats by the by, and its no use railing against fate now!

They agreed we could have a replacement dog for free, and after burrying Willow next to Lady (2 dogs buried in 4 weeks just doesnt seem right or fair) we went back to the Dogs Home at Lymm, but they didnt have anyone that really appealed to us.

After picking up my daughter we took a trip to Manchester Dogs Home (as they are part of the same group as the Cheshire one) and found Bella (though her name was Millie - but shes too big to be a Millie), and she came home with us!

I am still grieving for Willow and Lady, we both are, but Bella is her own dog, and someone we love in her own right, shes very gentle and relaxed, healthy and young, so I think this time we should have some good times for a long time to come.

Anyhows, sorry to have gone on for so long!

2 comments|post comment

Willow's Passing [27 May 2006|10:55am]
[ mood | upset ]

Once again I find myself sat at the computer, tears streaming down my face, to once more share the loss of one close and dear to us both.

Willow lost her fight for life today, the wound from the operation which had healed so well has been swelling up for the last couple of days, and she hasn't been her usual self, she's been standing looking at someone not upon this realm all week, and stopping, head down and standing still, a sign she was in pain.

When I got home last night from work I knew she wasn't to be with us for long, but gave her as much fuss and fun as she wanted and spent some quality time with her.

This morning she got us up after only 4 hours sleep, Lee took her for a walk when on the field the swelling opened her wound and blood which had been leaking from the tumour and causing her pain started to pour out.

We immediately took her to the vets, leaking all the time, and the vet noted she was in pain from the wound. I knew what we had to do, but didnt want to loose her so soon, but it wasnt fair on her, she lost weight and mobility the last few days and I knew in my heart it wasnt fair to keep her in pain. After taking her for a walk we took her back into the vets and she went to sleep.

We've brought her home and will be laying her to rest next to Lady in the garden this afternoon.

My heart feels once more torn apart, the house feels empty and we both miss her.

Sorry, cant write any more, too upset.................

1 comment|post comment

Willow & work [24 May 2006|05:35pm]
[ mood | Tired and tearfull ]

Having one of those weeks again!!

Had a scrub off of the mezzanine floor at work booked for Tuesday AM at about 4am, but knowing how long it takes I asked the cleaners if they could come in and do it at 8pm on Monday, as it wasnt worth me going home for 7 hours just to get up at 3am to come back to work. So, with being short staffed due to hols and one of my staff off in hospital for 2 weeks (toneils out), I had to open up on Monday, and stay while the scrubb off was done, then put the upstairs bike displays (150 bikes plus bulk display plus racking etc) back together. As we had a Promotion change (only about 18 hours work in total) to do aswell I decided to stay overnight and just blitz it all!

Fortunately hubby decided to come and help me, and when the cleaners finished at 4am we got the bikehut back together, then finished off the promo for just on 9am!!

So, after briefing the staff on what they needed to do to finish the promo (just the price label changes) we left the branch at 930am on tuesday, after working (and working bloody hard too) for 25 1/2 hours in total!! I must be mad or something, but turns out it was a good job I did get everything done, as our MD is in the area today, and if I'd left it till 4am to go in and start the cleaners off then we'd have spent all day just putting bikehut back together and would not have done or even started the promo, so although it was a bit much for both of our bodies to handle, it acchieved the desired results and means the staff could concentrate on serving customers! Dont think any other branch would have been able to do what we did without having a lot more staff and a lot of overtime paid out! (As I do the payroll, and Managers dont get paid overtime, it was a cheap way of doing it, as it cost nothing! But I will be taking a couple of days back in lieue at some stage!!:)

Needless to say got to bed in the late morning and slept till tea time, then had a chinese meal as a treat and back to bed!!



Took Willow to the vets for her results today, shes put 2.2 kilos in weight on, which is good! The vet was pleased with her, but the test results showed that she had 2 growths, one benign and one agressive and cancerous, which was in her lymph nodes. It is not good news, and with her liver damaged it doesnt bode well, looks like it may have already gone into her liver, which means we could be loosing her sometime between 2 and 6 months from now!

The vet retested her liver functions, and although they are far from normal they have improved significantly since they were last tested 2 weeks ago, which is good. They are going to try some newish liver medicine for her, to support the liver functions, and we will see where we go and what happens.

I want to remain hopeful, thinking that Willow may beat this disease, as she is so lovely, loving, fun filled, happy and great to be around, but I know deep down that we are going to loose our baby, and it just seems so unfair, so soon after we lost Lady.

They say it comes in threes, well with loosing my friend Alyson, then Lady and now it seems Willow will be the third, I hope that is all now! My heart cant take any more!

2 comments|post comment

A new Arrival!! [10 May 2006|11:53am]
After our furbaby, Lady passed away 11 days ago we found the house too empty, and after meeting a puppy whilst away at Shell Island we decided that we had much to offer to any Dog, so decided to take a trip to Cheshire Dogs home last Friday. We didnt expect to come home with a new baby, but after meeting Willow, well she came home at once!

Willow is a black and tan (brindle) x breed bitch, allegedly 5 years old, has collie, alsation and lab in her, is about the size of a small donkey and a wonderful temperament! She is very alert, very loving (lots of kisses) loves being around us both and very very gentle! She has a lovely playful nature, is house trained and all round a fabulous dog, another animal that is much more than just a pooch!

We noticed after we got her home and fussed her (lots and lots) that she had a broken tooth, and a bit of a swelling on one of her nipples, so as a precaution Lee (hubby) took her into the Vets for a check up. Vet thought she was lovely, but thinks the swelling is a tumour, possibly benign, but she is going in on Monday to have her tooth removed and the abcess treated, and to have the lump removed and analysed.

She is soo wonderful and is sooo at home that no matter what we are not returning her to the Dogs Home, she is now a part of the family and deserves some happiness, but I am going to go and see them and see whether if it is bad news they will allow us to take another dog FOC when Willow passes.

I hope and pray to the Gods that Willow will be ok, she is sooo wonderful that it would destroy us if we were to loose a second dog in such a short space of time, the Gods couldnt be that cruel, could they?
1 comment|post comment

Some Writing [04 May 2006|02:56pm]
Breagha – The Dark Mother

Chant

Dark Night Burning Bright,
The Lady’s Blade – Crimson Made
With Blood of Foes and blood of Crows!

Invocation

In the Darkness of the Night,
Round the Fires, burning Bright!
Scant heard memories of before
Call to those once versed in Lore!

Ravens Call provides the Key,
Hidden Paths open for those that See!
Rocky Roads must be trodden,
For those who are Sostren and Brodren!

Dark Lady who lies now Hidden,
Summons us to do as we are bidden!
Calls to us to come forth Once More,
Again the Keepers of Her Dark Lore!

Dark Lady we stand here side by side,
All across this land so wide!
Sostren troth to their Herth,
Herth together once more walk the Path!

Clash of Blade in the Night,
Summons us to join the Fight!!
Darkness, Honour and Ravens Mane,
Breagha’s Call is heard once Again!

Dark of Moon we take our Place,
Steady despite what e’er we Face!
Breagha grace us with Your Presence!
Let your power ne’er be lessened!

Dark Mother come forth, be with us this Night!
Let us be Blessed within your Sight!
Lady Breagha heed the call, grant us this Boon!
We are the Sons and Daughters of the Dark Moon!

Grant us the strength, wisdom and honour,
That we may guard the Gates to your Knowledge!
Keep us focussed upon our Paths,
That we may not yet be the Last!

Guide us true to be worthy of You,
To teach once more those who are New!
Witches, Priestess and Warriors we are,
Those close by and those Afar!

When our times once more come to an ends,
Return us once more to be with our Friends!
Feasting together in Your Halls!
Until once more we heed our Calls!

Lady Breagha hear again our Pleas!
Keep us close and true to Thee!
Guide us always to do our Best!
As we strive to do no less!

Dark Mother come forth, be with us this Night!
Let us be Blessed within your Sight!
Lady Breagha heed the call, grant us this Boon!
We are the Sons and Daughters of the Dark Moon!

Just a little something I wrote today!
2 comments|post comment

A Passing.................. [28 Apr 2006|07:36pm]
With tears and a sad heart I have to report that which we knew was coming has come to pass, Lady, trusted friend, companion, familiar to my husband and the most wonderful furbaby passed away today.

As a pup she was left abandoned without food or water, and Lee, my hubby, rescued her, nurtured and loved her and brought her up to be the most wonderful dog I have ever known. She ahsnt been well for a while now, but we know we shall see her again!
3 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2006|03:07pm]
<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>


Cool!!
post comment

[26 Feb 2006|05:37pm]
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, my heart is torn asunder, my friend, mentor, teacher and one I would call Sister, Alyson, passed over yesterday! I grieve for her loss, for her family and friends who will mourn the loss of one who's spark burnt so bright, touching all our lives with her own unique ways!

Rest well Wing-Sister, you will live on in our hearts forever, the light and friendship you brought into our lives will stay with us always! We will know one another again, feasting together at our Lady's table and again upon this plane of existance when the wheel turns and the Dark Lady deems it time to be so again!

Dark Dreams Wing-Sister, may the Lady of Ravens and her Lord of Shadows hold you safe in their arms until we meet again!
2 comments|post comment

Meeting my Daughter! [20 Feb 2006|07:12pm]
[ mood | happy ]

We got there at 125pm, and stayed until 815pm, Rachel is gorgeous! 13 yrs old, 5'6" tall, a size 8 and absolutely stunning! She has ADHD, so is on medication for that, and I believe has my temper too, but none of it was in evidence yesterday! She liked the CD's, card, calendar and choccies we got for her Birthday, and wants to meet up again, perhaps even coming to stay when she gets to know us and even coming camping in Wales for a long weekend! I even got 2 hugs! I am over the moon to be bacj in touch with her, its more than I ever dared allow myself to hope! I am really happy! She got on well with my hubby too, tho Lee was his usual quiet self when he doesnt know folks!


1 comment|post comment

Nicked from www.Mini2.com - funny in a geekish kinda way [18 Feb 2006|12:35pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget to do a sanity check before going live with their sites...

And yes - they are real sites.....
1) Who Represents, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Italy and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

1 comment|post comment

Oh My Goddess!!!! I'm gonna see my 'not so little' baby on Sunday! [16 Feb 2006|05:47pm]
Was in work today, having a meeting with the Regional Security Manager, when I got a call to the till, and who should be waiting there, but an ex from 13 years ago (the mother of my daughter) and her mother!

I'd best explain at this point that I am Transsexual, male to female, and back when I was still in denial I tried everything I could not to allow myself to come to terms with my inner feelings, even getting involved with a woman and having a child with her. I knew after 8 months or so that it wasn't going to last, but I hadn't the guts or strength to end it, so put up with things and stayed in denial inside for another 3 years, during which time my daughter, Rachel, was born. She was a beautiful baby (aren't they all?) and although I was the one that was working full time I was also the one who got up in the night to sort her out, the one who got up in the mornings to get her up and generally acted as a Mother, until my ex and I split when she was just 16 months old.

At this point I came to terms with my inner demons, walked to the edge of the abyss, had the knife against my wrist 3 nights in succession and started the process of becoming who I was meant to be. I told my ex, who said she had know for 3 years that it was something I needed to do, and we were on friendly terms, I even had access to my daughter until the time came for me to start living over, at which time by mutual consent I stopped seeing Rachel, one of the hardest and most heartrending things I have ever done, but if I hadn't sorted myself out I'd have been dead within a few months, and at least I felt by not seeing her I was going to protect her from the abuse of other kids who wouldn't understand! I still have a piccy of her as a babe on my bedside cabinet, its the first thing I see in a morning (after my wonderful hubby, who is now officially an old fart - his words not mine - as he is now a step-father!) and the last thing I see before the light goes out at night!

Now she wants to see me, she's 13 years old n a free spirit, or in other words a right little sod! She is supposed to look very much like me, (poor thing!), and at 13 is already 5'6" tall! We are going to her grans on Sunday for a meal, and I already have butterflies in my tummy, I don't know what she will call me Dad seems inappropriate, what she will think of me, nor why she wants to get to know me, but all I can do is go, find out and be there for her if she wants me to be!

I wish I could have been there for her, but we both thought it for the best that she was kept in the dark, not having to face the truth about her other parent, and I hoped she would thus be normal and safe, and always hoped that one day she would be old enough to understand, to forgive me and to seek me out, it remains to be seen whether she will forgive me and whether she will accept me for who I now am!

More to follow after we have met this Sunday, stay tuned for more excitement!
2 comments|post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]